Why North Carolina

I feel as though this post has been a long time coming. After my last post, many of you, or the few who actually read this, were probably left wondering what these past few weeks have looked like. We’ll just say I’ve had better days. These past two weeks in particular have been a mixture of things. The best adjectives that come to mind are tiring, hurtful, sucky, annoying, unrelenting. Before you start creating mini- scenarios in your head, it’s not as bad as you think. We’ve been in NC for just about 6 weeks now. Not long. So, here’s the update. Since March I’ve applied for over 200 jobs. No, I’m not lying. I swear. As shocking as it may be to you, it’s equally as shocking to me. I’ve done nearly everything I can to tailor and alter my resume to fit each job. I’ve been to the employment staffing agencies in the area. I’ve been on nearly every website imaginable. All I want is a simple clerical job. It’s what I have the most experience doing and something that I really enjoy. After all those applications and weeks of applying, I’ve received a total of two legitimate interviews, one in Virginia Beach, VA at Regent University and another with a company in Raleigh for temp to hire work. I interviewed with the company in Raleigh and got a call back that they wanted to hire me. Since I had the interview at Regent two days later, I told the company I’d have to let them know what I decided as soon as I had the interview with Regent. Well, apparently they couldn’t wait two days because I soon found out that they had already offered the temp job to someone else, feeling I wasn’t fully committed to them. The interview with Regent was okay, but something just felt off; it didn’t feel right so I knew I probably wouldn’t take it even if it were offered to me. All this happened within a matter of about four days. So, I went from having two interviews and a job offer, then back to square one with nothing left to work with. The past few weeks have been a let down since then. I’ve received nearly no feedback from any of the jobs I’ve applied for and the few that I have received have been rejection. I will likely have to borrow money for next months rent and utilities from my parents, who don’t have much to spare. My ego has been beaten up and bruised and it’s really starting to work it’s way under my skin. I’ve never felt more alone in a world full of people than I currently do. I know that this was my choice to move out this way, but I can’t say that I would’ve done it had I come out here before. I think that if NC was somewhere where I was thriving and living and breathing, this whole lack of job thing might be a bit easier, but because I don’t really enjoy NC, it’s been difficult. I blame no one, but myself, but it doesn’t make the struggle any easier. I’ve hit a major wall; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m just done. I’m tiring from constant rejection and denial. These past two-ish weeks I’ve been fairly depressed. I’ve had little to no interaction with people, one because I don’t know anyone here and two because I have nowhere to go without a job. I don’t need anyone to worry about me or anything, I’m just being real. It’s how I’m feeling. Plain and simple. I guess I write this just to let you know what’s really going on for once. You don’t have to leave me comments with Bible verses and encouraging phrases because chances are I’ve read them all or heard most of them. Don’t worry, I know who God is still. The song that’s never been more real to me than right now is a song called “Why Georgia,” by John Mayer. I’ve posted the lyrics rather than leaving it to you to find because the words are deeply meaningful right now. Every line he sings rings so true in my life it’s scary. I’ve never cried so frequently in my life than I have these past few weeks and this song has really given me the words to express at least some of the emotions that I’m feeling. Read them and then listen to the song if you don’t already know it. It’s remarkably beautiful and oddly perfect all the same. So all that said, just a reminder that maybe complain a little less this week. Your life probably isn’t as bad as you think. Oh and I’m taking my own advice too. Hope it finds you well.

Why Georgia by John Mayer

I am driving up 85 in the

kind of morning that lasts all afternoon

just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but

I am tempted to keep the car in drive

and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with

wood in places to make it feel like home

but all I feel’s alone

It might be a quarter life crisis

or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I’ve got a smile on me

but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head

Don’t believe me

Don’t believe me

When I say I’ve got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but

that’s the danger in going my own way

I guess it’s the price I have to pay

still “Everything happens for a reason”

is no reason not to ask yourself

If your’re living it right

Are you living it right?

Are you living it right?

Why, tell me why

Why, why Georgia why?