I’ve had a change of heart…

After very little deliberation, I’ve decided to move on from this blog. It seems so dramatic and no longer inspires me. I’ve discovered Tumblr and LOOOOOOVE it! I’ve decided to only post quotes on my Tumblr account. All these quotes are going to attempt to explain my life as I’m moving through it. Hopefully it translates well! If not, your loss…sorry! Copy the link on the post below to follow me!

I’m On Tumblr Y’all!

Follow me on both sites if you so please. Here’s my tumblr address:

http://wevelandedonthemoon.tumblr.com/

Psalm 145

So, I thought it was about time to move past that dramatic post I had last time around and let y’all know what’s been going down. I don’t think I’ve ever been more unsure and so out of control with my own life and I love the freedom I have found in that lack of control. I’m grateful that God has allowed me this journey and pray that I am able to continue with this journey as I am able. I was reminded yet again today from James that we should never boast about tomorrow or about the things we will do in the future because we aren’t guaranteed even tomorrow. I’m humbled and free in knowing this. I’ve loved and hated this journey that I’ve been on for the past few months. I feel I’ve learned so much and been shown grace beyond measure in coming here. I feel older. Well, maybe not older, but like another maturity notch has been added to my Christian belt. I don’t mean to be haughty or full of myself, but I feel as though I’m in a completely different space in life than I was even two months ago. I’m grateful for it. I’ve also recently been somewhat struggling with the concept of allowing God to romance me again and understand His presence as a true guiding force in this life. In recognizing that this life is just a vapor makes me grateful that I’ve been allowed to understand and comprehend the commands before me and go forth with those demands. I love being captured and shaken from where I shouldn’t be. It’s refreshing and comforting. I don’t know what the next step holds. At all. I don’t know where/when I’ll find a job. I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay back my debts. I don’t know what church will be home again. I don’t know when I can move out on my own again. But, to paraphrase both David’s words and Shane and Shane, I do know that the Lord is gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, good to all, and that’s what I will hope in continually. I’ve never been so sure of myself or so haughty in my life. To think I had it all figured out, I should be called a fool, because that’s what I’ve been for some time. Don’t misunderstand me. This move wasn’t necessarily foolish, but my attitude in this whole process has been. I’m grateful for that tail- between- the- legs feeling and know that there will come many a time more when it will be applied yet again. My Lord is good. He is sufficient for all my days, yet it takes all my days to realize that. I thank the Lord for my lessons and hope I’m not a repeat offender. Some things I’d like to work on in this:

- finding joy in the day-to-day…I’m not one to get overly excited about much. Actually, I’m not one to get excited about much at all, but I do desire to feel that deep-seated joy that comes only from the Lord and His mercy. In asking for this, I know I am also asking for situations that make life as un-joyful as possible, so I pray for wisdom and mercy in those situations to choose the joy in them.

- reading meaningful books in my spare time…not inspiring-motivational books that make me feel good, but books that grow my confusion and understanding of the Lord and His ways. Not books that are bias in nature, but books that present the Lord in His light, not the light we tend to paint on Him.

- working towards getting my mind as healthy as possible…without it I struggle functioning daily.

- understanding the realm of grace… not merely as a word, but also as a context and concept.

Thank you for your time. It’s appreciate more than you know.

Why North Carolina

I feel as though this post has been a long time coming. After my last post, many of you, or the few who actually read this, were probably left wondering what these past few weeks have looked like. We’ll just say I’ve had better days. These past two weeks in particular have been a mixture of things. The best adjectives that come to mind are tiring, hurtful, sucky, annoying, unrelenting. Before you start creating mini- scenarios in your head, it’s not as bad as you think. We’ve been in NC for just about 6 weeks now. Not long. So, here’s the update. Since March I’ve applied for over 200 jobs. No, I’m not lying. I swear. As shocking as it may be to you, it’s equally as shocking to me. I’ve done nearly everything I can to tailor and alter my resume to fit each job. I’ve been to the employment staffing agencies in the area. I’ve been on nearly every website imaginable. All I want is a simple clerical job. It’s what I have the most experience doing and something that I really enjoy. After all those applications and weeks of applying, I’ve received a total of two legitimate interviews, one in Virginia Beach, VA at Regent University and another with a company in Raleigh for temp to hire work. I interviewed with the company in Raleigh and got a call back that they wanted to hire me. Since I had the interview at Regent two days later, I told the company I’d have to let them know what I decided as soon as I had the interview with Regent. Well, apparently they couldn’t wait two days because I soon found out that they had already offered the temp job to someone else, feeling I wasn’t fully committed to them. The interview with Regent was okay, but something just felt off; it didn’t feel right so I knew I probably wouldn’t take it even if it were offered to me. All this happened within a matter of about four days. So, I went from having two interviews and a job offer, then back to square one with nothing left to work with. The past few weeks have been a let down since then. I’ve received nearly no feedback from any of the jobs I’ve applied for and the few that I have received have been rejection. I will likely have to borrow money for next months rent and utilities from my parents, who don’t have much to spare. My ego has been beaten up and bruised and it’s really starting to work it’s way under my skin. I’ve never felt more alone in a world full of people than I currently do. I know that this was my choice to move out this way, but I can’t say that I would’ve done it had I come out here before. I think that if NC was somewhere where I was thriving and living and breathing, this whole lack of job thing might be a bit easier, but because I don’t really enjoy NC, it’s been difficult. I blame no one, but myself, but it doesn’t make the struggle any easier. I’ve hit a major wall; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m just done. I’m tiring from constant rejection and denial. These past two-ish weeks I’ve been fairly depressed. I’ve had little to no interaction with people, one because I don’t know anyone here and two because I have nowhere to go without a job. I don’t need anyone to worry about me or anything, I’m just being real. It’s how I’m feeling. Plain and simple. I guess I write this just to let you know what’s really going on for once. You don’t have to leave me comments with Bible verses and encouraging phrases because chances are I’ve read them all or heard most of them. Don’t worry, I know who God is still. The song that’s never been more real to me than right now is a song called “Why Georgia,” by John Mayer. I’ve posted the lyrics rather than leaving it to you to find because the words are deeply meaningful right now. Every line he sings rings so true in my life it’s scary. I’ve never cried so frequently in my life than I have these past few weeks and this song has really given me the words to express at least some of the emotions that I’m feeling. Read them and then listen to the song if you don’t already know it. It’s remarkably beautiful and oddly perfect all the same. So all that said, just a reminder that maybe complain a little less this week. Your life probably isn’t as bad as you think. Oh and I’m taking my own advice too. Hope it finds you well.

Why Georgia by John Mayer

I am driving up 85 in the

kind of morning that lasts all afternoon

just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but

I am tempted to keep the car in drive

and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with

wood in places to make it feel like home

but all I feel’s alone

It might be a quarter life crisis

or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I’ve got a smile on me

but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head

Don’t believe me

Don’t believe me

When I say I’ve got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but

that’s the danger in going my own way

I guess it’s the price I have to pay

still “Everything happens for a reason”

is no reason not to ask yourself

If your’re living it right

Are you living it right?

Are you living it right?

Why, tell me why

Why, why Georgia why?