as of late…

First off, let me apologize for the long distance between posts. For so long now I have not really had any emotions and I haven’t really felt anything, but this past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I am leaving in exactly 3 weeks from today for North Carolina. I can honestly say right now that I don’t know if I want to go or not. About half of me wants it, but the other half doesn’t at all. I have nothing but my family in Southern California, but to be honest my family is everything to me, so leaving them behind is kinda like losing everything; it is by far the most emotional and difficult thing I have ever done. I don’t want to leave them. Period. I have cried and cried this week because the thought of leaving and hurting the ones I hold closest is nearly unbearable. I know that they want me to do what I want to do and are encouraging me to get out of Southern California and experience life, but in the same regards, it hurts oh so bad. I am crying as I write this and I simply cannot stop the tears from flowing; I don’t know whether I should stop them. I don’t know exactly what I am looking for in this blog. I know that home is just a plane ride away, but it feels like it will be an eternity away. I know that the telephone is always there, but even that doesn’t seem sufficient compared to the face to face contact. I know that if I don’t go I will probably regret it and stay around the same city for the rest of my life. I don’t want that to be. I know that this is my chance to get out and experience something new, even if it only lasts a short while, but it’s the hardest thing in the world at the same time. So I guess I do know what I’m looking for in this blog. I’m looking for clarity. I want to know pros and cons of the situation. Please be honest with me. I am really very frustrated at these emotions and really need some clarity from people I trust. I know that some of you may want to tell me to trust God, but I already know that and that doesn’t give me a whole lot of clarity as to which direction to go with this. Thank you!

On a side note: Don’t worry Shy, I’m sure it’s just TOM…just freaking out!