I’ve had a change of heart…

After very little deliberation, I’ve decided to move on from this blog. It seems so dramatic and no longer inspires me. I’ve discovered Tumblr and LOOOOOOVE it! I’ve decided to only post quotes on my Tumblr account. All these quotes are going to attempt to explain my life as I’m moving through it. Hopefully it translates well! If not, your loss…sorry! Copy the link on the post below to follow me!

I’m On Tumblr Y’all!

Follow me on both sites if you so please. Here’s my tumblr address:

http://wevelandedonthemoon.tumblr.com/

Psalm 145

So, I thought it was about time to move past that dramatic post I had last time around and let y’all know what’s been going down. I don’t think I’ve ever been more unsure and so out of control with my own life and I love the freedom I have found in that lack of control. I’m grateful that God has allowed me this journey and pray that I am able to continue with this journey as I am able. I was reminded yet again today from James that we should never boast about tomorrow or about the things we will do in the future because we aren’t guaranteed even tomorrow. I’m humbled and free in knowing this. I’ve loved and hated this journey that I’ve been on for the past few months. I feel I’ve learned so much and been shown grace beyond measure in coming here. I feel older. Well, maybe not older, but like another maturity notch has been added to my Christian belt. I don’t mean to be haughty or full of myself, but I feel as though I’m in a completely different space in life than I was even two months ago. I’m grateful for it. I’ve also recently been somewhat struggling with the concept of allowing God to romance me again and understand His presence as a true guiding force in this life. In recognizing that this life is just a vapor makes me grateful that I’ve been allowed to understand and comprehend the commands before me and go forth with those demands. I love being captured and shaken from where I shouldn’t be. It’s refreshing and comforting. I don’t know what the next step holds. At all. I don’t know where/when I’ll find a job. I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay back my debts. I don’t know what church will be home again. I don’t know when I can move out on my own again. But, to paraphrase both David’s words and Shane and Shane, I do know that the Lord is gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, good to all, and that’s what I will hope in continually. I’ve never been so sure of myself or so haughty in my life. To think I had it all figured out, I should be called a fool, because that’s what I’ve been for some time. Don’t misunderstand me. This move wasn’t necessarily foolish, but my attitude in this whole process has been. I’m grateful for that tail- between- the- legs feeling and know that there will come many a time more when it will be applied yet again. My Lord is good. He is sufficient for all my days, yet it takes all my days to realize that. I thank the Lord for my lessons and hope I’m not a repeat offender. Some things I’d like to work on in this:

- finding joy in the day-to-day…I’m not one to get overly excited about much. Actually, I’m not one to get excited about much at all, but I do desire to feel that deep-seated joy that comes only from the Lord and His mercy. In asking for this, I know I am also asking for situations that make life as un-joyful as possible, so I pray for wisdom and mercy in those situations to choose the joy in them.

- reading meaningful books in my spare time…not inspiring-motivational books that make me feel good, but books that grow my confusion and understanding of the Lord and His ways. Not books that are bias in nature, but books that present the Lord in His light, not the light we tend to paint on Him.

- working towards getting my mind as healthy as possible…without it I struggle functioning daily.

- understanding the realm of grace… not merely as a word, but also as a context and concept.

Thank you for your time. It’s appreciate more than you know.

Why North Carolina

I feel as though this post has been a long time coming. After my last post, many of you, or the few who actually read this, were probably left wondering what these past few weeks have looked like. We’ll just say I’ve had better days. These past two weeks in particular have been a mixture of things. The best adjectives that come to mind are tiring, hurtful, sucky, annoying, unrelenting. Before you start creating mini- scenarios in your head, it’s not as bad as you think. We’ve been in NC for just about 6 weeks now. Not long. So, here’s the update. Since March I’ve applied for over 200 jobs. No, I’m not lying. I swear. As shocking as it may be to you, it’s equally as shocking to me. I’ve done nearly everything I can to tailor and alter my resume to fit each job. I’ve been to the employment staffing agencies in the area. I’ve been on nearly every website imaginable. All I want is a simple clerical job. It’s what I have the most experience doing and something that I really enjoy. After all those applications and weeks of applying, I’ve received a total of two legitimate interviews, one in Virginia Beach, VA at Regent University and another with a company in Raleigh for temp to hire work. I interviewed with the company in Raleigh and got a call back that they wanted to hire me. Since I had the interview at Regent two days later, I told the company I’d have to let them know what I decided as soon as I had the interview with Regent. Well, apparently they couldn’t wait two days because I soon found out that they had already offered the temp job to someone else, feeling I wasn’t fully committed to them. The interview with Regent was okay, but something just felt off; it didn’t feel right so I knew I probably wouldn’t take it even if it were offered to me. All this happened within a matter of about four days. So, I went from having two interviews and a job offer, then back to square one with nothing left to work with. The past few weeks have been a let down since then. I’ve received nearly no feedback from any of the jobs I’ve applied for and the few that I have received have been rejection. I will likely have to borrow money for next months rent and utilities from my parents, who don’t have much to spare. My ego has been beaten up and bruised and it’s really starting to work it’s way under my skin. I’ve never felt more alone in a world full of people than I currently do. I know that this was my choice to move out this way, but I can’t say that I would’ve done it had I come out here before. I think that if NC was somewhere where I was thriving and living and breathing, this whole lack of job thing might be a bit easier, but because I don’t really enjoy NC, it’s been difficult. I blame no one, but myself, but it doesn’t make the struggle any easier. I’ve hit a major wall; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m just done. I’m tiring from constant rejection and denial. These past two-ish weeks I’ve been fairly depressed. I’ve had little to no interaction with people, one because I don’t know anyone here and two because I have nowhere to go without a job. I don’t need anyone to worry about me or anything, I’m just being real. It’s how I’m feeling. Plain and simple. I guess I write this just to let you know what’s really going on for once. You don’t have to leave me comments with Bible verses and encouraging phrases because chances are I’ve read them all or heard most of them. Don’t worry, I know who God is still. The song that’s never been more real to me than right now is a song called “Why Georgia,” by John Mayer. I’ve posted the lyrics rather than leaving it to you to find because the words are deeply meaningful right now. Every line he sings rings so true in my life it’s scary. I’ve never cried so frequently in my life than I have these past few weeks and this song has really given me the words to express at least some of the emotions that I’m feeling. Read them and then listen to the song if you don’t already know it. It’s remarkably beautiful and oddly perfect all the same. So all that said, just a reminder that maybe complain a little less this week. Your life probably isn’t as bad as you think. Oh and I’m taking my own advice too. Hope it finds you well.

Why Georgia by John Mayer

I am driving up 85 in the

kind of morning that lasts all afternoon

just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but

I am tempted to keep the car in drive

and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with

wood in places to make it feel like home

but all I feel’s alone

It might be a quarter life crisis

or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Am I living it right?

Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I’ve got a smile on me

but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head

Don’t believe me

Don’t believe me

When I say I’ve got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but

that’s the danger in going my own way

I guess it’s the price I have to pay

still “Everything happens for a reason”

is no reason not to ask yourself

If your’re living it right

Are you living it right?

Are you living it right?

Why, tell me why

Why, why Georgia why?

Carolina Blues

So, it’s been awhile. Sorry. Been a bit busy. Now I don’t even really feel writing in this blog, but whatev. We’ll see how it goes. It’s been about 2 weeks since Shy and I moved to NC. Feels like an eternity already. Weird. Still no jobs. Shocker I know. Maybe soon though. Anyways, back to this new home of ours. It’s different. I know I’ve only been here a few weeks, but I can say in all honesty as of right now, it’s not my favorite. Now, some may see that as me saying that I regret this move, but that’s not true at all. I’m glad I moved out of Southern California. Very glad. But I guess I was expecting Raleigh to be more exciting and nourishing to my soul than it currently is. I hate to say it, but there isn’t much here that excites me… not the people, not the towns, not the location. I’ve come to realize over the years that I love the big cities. As much as it’s nice to see trees rather than dirt or buildings everywhere, I can only handle so many trees. After awhile they all start to blend together and look the same. So, all this to say, I’m sitting here in the local library looking for jobs and realizing that I have at least one year here. Maybe I’ll find that special thing about North Carolina that Shy has found. It’s likely not gonna happen, but you never know I guess. So forgive me all if I count down the days until I can go and explore another city. It seems wrong to do this, especially hearing so many wonderful things about this state, but it’s not mine. Not for me long term as of now, but I’ll be here at least a year so a year is what I’ll give it to prove me wrong. This is where I’m at and be patient with me as I work on being fully here. No bitterness, no angry feelings, but just honesty about what I’m feeling. On a lighter note, please come visit. We would even love to pick you up from the airport and let you stay on either our couch or inflatable mattress. I know, that’s the kicker.

Need this pic!!

I have had this picture saved in my pictures folder for years now and I have still not been able to find the photographer or any rights to it! I want a copy of it… preferably a LARGE poster size! But any information will suffice at this point. Please let me know if anyone knows where I can find info on it!!

as of late…

First off, let me apologize for the long distance between posts. For so long now I have not really had any emotions and I haven’t really felt anything, but this past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I am leaving in exactly 3 weeks from today for North Carolina. I can honestly say right now that I don’t know if I want to go or not. About half of me wants it, but the other half doesn’t at all. I have nothing but my family in Southern California, but to be honest my family is everything to me, so leaving them behind is kinda like losing everything; it is by far the most emotional and difficult thing I have ever done. I don’t want to leave them. Period. I have cried and cried this week because the thought of leaving and hurting the ones I hold closest is nearly unbearable. I know that they want me to do what I want to do and are encouraging me to get out of Southern California and experience life, but in the same regards, it hurts oh so bad. I am crying as I write this and I simply cannot stop the tears from flowing; I don’t know whether I should stop them. I don’t know exactly what I am looking for in this blog. I know that home is just a plane ride away, but it feels like it will be an eternity away. I know that the telephone is always there, but even that doesn’t seem sufficient compared to the face to face contact. I know that if I don’t go I will probably regret it and stay around the same city for the rest of my life. I don’t want that to be. I know that this is my chance to get out and experience something new, even if it only lasts a short while, but it’s the hardest thing in the world at the same time. So I guess I do know what I’m looking for in this blog. I’m looking for clarity. I want to know pros and cons of the situation. Please be honest with me. I am really very frustrated at these emotions and really need some clarity from people I trust. I know that some of you may want to tell me to trust God, but I already know that and that doesn’t give me a whole lot of clarity as to which direction to go with this. Thank you!

On a side note: Don’t worry Shy, I’m sure it’s just TOM…just freaking out!

valentine’s day

There was something so incredibly perfect about this Valentine’s day. There was no man, but it was so completely satisfying all the same. A few of us girls drove to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. It was good. Though, I think my favorite part of the night came later. We drove through Long Beach and San Pedro to get to this little coffee shop (usually known as Starbucks) in Palos Verdes. As we drove up and down, over and round through the ocean coast to get there, it was perfection. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a moment that felt so right. The air outside was crisp, the sun was drifting ever so slowly into the horizon line, creating that perfect burnt orange color, closely resembling that of the above picture, and John Mayer was singing “Free Fallin’” to my soul. It was as if, just for that brief eternity, God was gracious enough to allow me to see all that was in front of me the whole time. I couldn’t take it in enough. Breathtaking would simply be an understatement. I wanted so badly to stay wrapped up in that moment forever. I’m grateful for these moments because they teach me that life is sweet. Amidst the anger, hate and shame, God grants us grace and wisdom to see the infinite in the simplistic. I will savor that moment as one of the greatest in my life thus far. Sweet enough to taste.

I’m a Jackie.

You Are a Jackie!

You are a Jackie.  “I do everything the right way.”

Jackies are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

 

How to Get Along with Me   

* Take your share of the responsibility so I don’t end up with all the work.   

* Acknowledge my achievements.   

* I’m hard on myself. Reassure me that I’m fine the way I am.   

* Tell me that you value my advice.   

* Be fair and considerate, as I am.   

* Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.   

* Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

 

What I Like About Being a Jackie

* Being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal   

* Working hard to make the world a better place   

* Having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself   

* Being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do  

* Being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions   

* Being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

 

What’s Hard About Being a Jackie   

* Being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met   

* Feeling burdened by too much responsibility   

* Thinking that what I do is never good enough   

* Not being appreciated for what I do for people   

* Being upset because others aren’t trying as hard as I am   

* Obsessing about what I did or what I should do   

* Being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

 

Jackies as Children Often   

* Criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others   

* Refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect   

* Focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers   

* Are very responsible; may assume the role of parent   

* Hold back negative emotions (“good children aren’t angry”)

 

Jackies as Parents   

* Teach their children responsibility and strong moral values   

* Are consistent and fair   

* Discipline firmly

 

Follow the link below to see what you are.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz

Really people…really?

Ok, this may just be my own beef, but I do not feel it necessary to jump or dodge out of the way of individuals who so chose to transport themselves from place to place on wheels rather than feet. I don’t feel it’s okay for me, the innocent bystander, to be run over by  individuals who feel they own the sidewalk  simply because. I mean, I don’t mind moving if I am in your way, but I shouldn’t be expected to scurry out of the way simply because you are riding a bike or a skateboard. Then, they come flying around the UP gate nearly taking out everyone in sight with their lack of turning skills. Our campus isn’t even that big anyways…I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.